Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
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My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
A great tip. #CakeRex
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.