Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
You Might Also Like
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
yall want some gasoline milk
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah