What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
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It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here