Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
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me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
All. The. Damn. Time.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Don’t make me out nice you.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?