I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
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I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit