[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
You Might Also Like
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
RT if you could go either way.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?