me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
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It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.