1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
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You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Husband of the year 😂
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Pigeon open mic night.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir