me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
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the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Stick it to the man
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.