Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
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The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
He-man has a Masters degree
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.