my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
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I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Phonetics
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.