People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
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Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know