me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
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[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Happy Febuary everyone!
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone