It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
You Might Also Like
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
secret recipe
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.