*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
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ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
who wants to go expliring
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?