I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
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*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
umm…
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
when dads have a rap battle
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.