“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
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In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”