For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
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Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.