I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
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Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet