If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
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just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Weirdly Wednesday.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
I can’t stop watching this.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds