Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
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Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
🤣🤣
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
this is the news I live for
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”