Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
You Might Also Like
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?