Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
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I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso