[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
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my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference