Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
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The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐