My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
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“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Ok but actually
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?