With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
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girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Succinctly put.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.