I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
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Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.