I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
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9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.