I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
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An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
✌️
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”