So, I got banned from the toy store today…
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I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”