Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
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Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
How to find Kentucky on a map
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!