It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
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My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
the only bumper sticker ill allow
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
me and the Superbowl rn
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house