Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
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Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there