If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
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“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Shower sex be like:
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?