11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
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My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Oh yeah that’s it
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not