[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
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I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
beware of dog
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.