Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
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I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie