Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
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Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Worst bar ever.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*