Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
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When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”