My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
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Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐