A tragic love story in two pictures.
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If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
getting old is fun
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.