I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
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Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Yup.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
The USS B port
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong