Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
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I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.