Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
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“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead