Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
selfie game
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone