Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
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Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.