I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
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Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
the short answer to this question
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Meowchelangelo
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?