Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
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Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
I only treason on days ending in y
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?