Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
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[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Denise please return my vape pen
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
ok this is my dumbest yet
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you